As you have been reading over the past number of months, I’ve been working through my insides in search of some comfort. The comfort I’m looking for is simply my mind-set, or approach, to each day, each moment that lies ahead of me. I am and feel I always have been a planner, sometimes looking far down the road, other times just to the next minute, but either way I most always have a mind-set, that may differ depending on the experience, but it is a set of goals and values that I feel are important to maintain and govern my behaviour. That mind-set is basically how I approach every moment, day, week, project, relationship, occasion, etc. For example, when planning an event for RealTime Cancer the goals and values of education, Positive Attitude and Integrity are always within the core, while a Sunday afternoon may be adjusted internally to focus on relaxation and calm. Make sense?
Over the past couple of months a couple of things have been happening that are influencing my discomfort with my goals and values. The first one is that I’m feeling much better than I expected to be at this point in my Journey, I still have a long way to go in the rebuilding department, but I’m certainly feeling well enough to resume some of my more active work related duties and physical rebuilding. Both of which I have begun to tackle. However the increase and improvement in my energy and how I generally feel on a daily basis brings with it a complication, and that complication involves the dramatic increase in uncertainty of my future since my relapse in July 2001. I’ll try and explain.
As my energy has returned so to has my enthusiasm for what I do professionally, not that it has ever left, just more that it wasn’t a core of my focus as many of my goals were unattainable from my hospital bed. Now that my energy is returning and I’m feeling pretty well, going back to high schools and working through the growth plan for RealTime Cancer becomes much more “doable”, and thus I have begun to “do” both of those things.
And near the professional goals are the personal ones, that I have equal enthusiasm for, but I will be honest and say that many times they are thought of second. But things like rebuilding to the point where I can beat a puck or soccer ball around are things that are on my priority list, and I have begun to work down that road to realizing some of those goals too.
As my energy returns, and my strength and stamina grow so does my enthusiasm for my personal and professional goals, and this is where it gets complicated. The more I sense and feel that these goals are within reach – lots of energy, effort and time involved, but reachable nonetheless – the more I become afraid that I will have another major Unexpected Challenge come my way and have them pulled away from me again. That is much of the struggle that I have been having for the past 3 months. I have been looking to get comfort with my discomfort, with the fact that I’m going to refocus on these goals and begin to work towards realizing them with the distinct reality that I may never get close to many of them.
It has taken me about 3 months to get where I am right now, where is that… of course I’m going to tell you.
The truth, I love the truth, and the truth is that not me and not any of you know what is in store for us in this next minute. Sure we may have a really good idea what will happen, we don’t fully absolutely know, there are no certainties. Because I have Cancer this fact can often be placed in a more prominent position within the mind, and for me it has. I no more expected to be diagnosed with Leukemia at 22 and then have a relapse at 25 than I did to see 60 of my friends and family show me off at the airport on Easter Sunday morning April 99 as I left for my first Transplant, but all of those things happened. I couldn’t see them coming but they came just the same.
Accepting this fact hasn’t been a tough process for me, what is tougher I find is remembering it and keeping it near the front of your mind. Once you can tackle that for me the next step was then focusing on the moment, this moment right here, and the part of this moment that I have control and influence over is what I do with it. What happens inside me, I have control over the goals and values that I approach each moment with, so that is where I’m choosing to focus my energy. While playing hockey and soccer are goals of mine, they are the end goal, instead now I’m choosing to focus on the process of getting there. My goal isn’t to play hockey next Fall, it is to make the effort every day to rebuild, walking, weights, yoga, activities I enjoy and if I’m able to play hockey in the Fall that will be sweet. But if I can’t I will take great comfort in the fact that I enjoyed the spring and summer of rebuilding doing things I love.
The switch I have made in my mind is not to focus on the goal of playing hockey, or going across the province talking to high school students, but instead to focus on the process and make sure that my daily activities that are contributing to my longer term goals, make sure that the process is consistent with my core goals and values. Those values are the same as always, it just took me a little while to remember them. A solid belief in the fact that everything happens to us for the right reason, my Faith, the knowledge that when tough Challenges are presented to us we are best to be Positive about them, my Hope and Attitude, and I mix those things with my Foundation Beliefs that life takes effort, Challenges do happen all the time and I commit myself to staying Positive about those Challenges. Throw in some Love, Compassion, Integrity, Honesty, my motto of “living and loving life” and lots of effort, and I’m ready to tackle the next moment, and however many I am blessed with after that.
I’m a work-in-progress, as I believe we all are, and this mind-set is something that will take more time, probably a life-time of time, but I do fully believe it is worth the time and effort. Hope you followed my thoughts, as usual I get here with a feeling and a concept and then you end up with a message in your inbox. Have a fantastic day.
Always…
Live Life. Love Life.
Geoff
