At one time sitting at my computer at 5:15 a.m. was not so unusual for me. In fact lots of times I would write a group message or private thoughts in my journal in the early hours of the morning. After my first Transplant in Toronto when I was, as I say, “whacked out on Prednisone” (the steroid I’m on a low dose now) many of my behaviours were seriously affected by that drug, the two most prominent were eating and sleeping. I did about twice the amount of eating I normally do, and probably less than half the sleeping. At that time getting up for the day at 3,4, or 5 in the morning wasn’t out of the ordinary.
On the other side, there were many nights when I was alone in hospital, awake at all hours lighting my room with my computer screen. In fact the first night I got the idea for an organization called RealTime Cancer was in the wee hours of the morning during Game 2, which was second round chemo of my Original Series.
But those times haven’t been common for a long time. In fact I don’t remember the last time I was in front of my computer writing a group message at this hour of the day. But here I am, awake since 2:32 a.m., and I have spent the past several hours thinking about most everything under the sun.
Me on a the motorbike, that I don’t have yet, has been a prominent theme, and that vision is something I look forward to experiencing. I’m not sure where the exact country roads are, but I have a pretty good image of them developed in my mind and on the sunny, blue sky days of summer I look forward to getting out on two wheels and looking for them. I’m giving my second high school presentation of the Coins for Cancer Drive tomorrow morning at Booth Memorial High School here in St. John’s, and I think I have every word of my speech memorized starting with… “Thank you Mr. Rose, hey guys it’s great to be back here at Booth with all of you…” and ending the same way I leave you all… “Always, Live life, and Love life.” I have spent a lot of time thinking about some of my Patient buddies, the ones who I interact with daily, and those who I haven’t heard from in a while. I try to remember them all as I shut down for the night. I have thought about skating and beating a puck around again, as a friend of mine discussed it with me today. That is something that I love, miss and really look forward to doing as I work my way back physically.
My mind has been wandering, sometimes I’ve guided it, other times I just let it run, and then finally as I approached the 3 hour mark I figured maybe I would turn the light on and focus my attention somewhere else. So here I am.
While I have a long, well documented past of not being able to control and calm my thoughts thus preventing me from sleeping. That usually happens when I’m really excited or looking forward to something the next day. And while I am certainly looking forward to getting back to Booth for the first time this year, I am feeling quite calm about it as I do have my presentation well versed and this experience hasn’t consumed me as those types of opportunities have in the past when causing me sleeping troubles. So the source of my sleeplessness remains a bit of a mystery for tonight, which is fine. But of course there is something extra on my mind that I haven’t yet mentioned, not tonight anyway.
That is my evolving work-in-progress mind-set of approaching the rest of my life. I got a great email from a friend tonight discussing that issue, and it has added some great perspective to my situation. It has also left me wanting to clarify things a little and explain what I mean by my approach. The seemingly little things are my best examples of where I’m struggling. Unfortunately I sold my car, my beautiful 91 Dodge Shadow that I loved and would have driven for another couple of years for sure. First time I got sick my car sat in the driveway for almost a year, through the winter, so I decided this time that it probably couldn’t survive another winter like that. So I made the decision to sell it, as I was not counting on feeling this well, this soon, and being able to be as active as I am. Now I am active, relatively, and while my Dad is very accommodating with his vehicle, I will need a car soon. My trouble comes from a discomfort about entering into a 3, 4, or 5 year commitment to buy a car, as an example. Not sure why but something is holding me back there, and the reason why is something I’ve been playing with.
My living arrangements are another example, not quite as pressing but something I’ll confront in the coming many months if things continue to progress as they are. I am definitely not ready to move from my very comfortable, sweet set-up here at my Dad’s, but I am feeling better and as my energy and strength return so does my desire for more independence.
These are just a couple of examples of life decisions that I would have normally thought through and made a decision consistent with my approach and goals for my next many months and years. Right now I’m just not sure what that approach is.
The perspective I gained earlier tonight related to my day-to-day philosophy adopted at the beginning of my travels on this Journey. And that mind-set is something I have had great success with, and it is also something I really believe in. However I do like to mix that approach with some forward thinking, a prioritizing of my personal and professional goals. Once I have a grasp on those I am much more comfortable developing my day-to-day mind-set. Those personal and professional goals are a work in progress, and as I write this I am realizing that I haven’t once in this process revisited my old 5 year plan, which is simply my wish list of things I want to experience and make happen for me and others. I will consult my wish list and see where that gets me.
5:48 a.m. and I’m wondering if there is any value in trying to get an hour or so before I get up. I will try and see what happens. Hope you are fast asleep in your beds, or at least that you had a great night’s sleep. I’ll be back again soon.
Always…
Live Life. Love Life.
Geoff
