Good morning everyone, I’m up early after a good night’s rest and obviously have something on my mind or else I wouldn’t have my computer on my lap at 7:02 a.m.
Now for the core of today’s message, I’m sure many of you realize or have been aware that my situation can be quite frustrating and as patient and calm as I have tried to remain, it is a constant challenge. I have written describing the things that I miss and they all still stand, to be honest some days the list seems endless. Well for some reason or another I have decided to describe my situation to you all, I will describe it again in a moment, as well as ask you to ask yourself a few questions. I will do this in no particular order, the description and questions, I’ll just see how it comes out of me. Please remember that while I am extremely frustrated at times, I am also patient, focused, and committed to my strategy, and am still very comfortable with the road I have ahead and my progress thus far. Please keep in mind that not all Cancer Fighter’s, or those fighting for their lives for other reasons, experience these feelings. But I would suggest to you, as a gut feeling, that many do and many experience these feelings from the fight and all the crap that can follow a Cancer fight. I say crap that can follow a Cancer fight as technically I am fighting that ‘crap’ now as my body no longer has Leukemia detectable signs of Leukemia, which doesn’t mean it’s not there thus the need for these additional Games to win the Series.
With other Cancer’s and other serious situations there is similar ‘crap’ that may follow, whatever it may be, long-term side-effects from the drugs, a rebuilding of the body and or mind after an exhausting fight, or I’m sure many people are never able to return to the life they once knew prior to being hit with a life-threatening challenge for a whole collection of reasons I have no idea about.
In my case I am in the early stages of a 24 month process, actually this is the officially the third month leaving me with 21 months. Game 5 is the longest and for good reason as it will hopefully clinch the cup. Let me explain. If we look at the complete series it will be a 30 month process. Games 1-3 took approximately 6 months, Game 4 was the Transplant and now Game 5 will take 24 months to complete. Yes this does mean that you will be hearing from me in some form or fashion for the next 21 months, if you can’t take it let me know. Kidding, you have no choice. There are several good reasons why Game 5 will take this long to complete, the two major ones are the recovery from a Bone Marrow Transplant takes anywhere from 6-12 months. The side-affects of the chemo, radiation, drugs, and Transplant can last much longer than that, for some they last a life-time, but in general the process is 6-12 months. I will be able to do many normal things within that period, as I do normal things now, but a return to a ‘regular’ lifestyle will not be immediate. In some brief discussions with BMT Patient’s I have learned that for them energy was the single biggest challenge and I have experienced this first hand already. Currently I am in a low energy phase, lower than I have been used to in the past month. It started a couple of days ago and it has continued, I will write more about it later.
The second reason is that for Leukemia the 24-month mark is quite significant with respect to risk for a relapse. Presently and throughout the next 24 months I am in a high risk range for a relapse, for most other Cancer’s, like Breast Cancer the accepted period is 5 years, however history dictates that for Leukemia the 2 year mark is quite significant and reaching this point without incident dramatically reduces your risk for relapse and thus increases your chances for a long-term cure. You may remember that my decision to have a Transplant gives me a 70% chance for a long-term cure. To be declared ‘Cancer-Free’ I may have to wait until the 5-year mark, but the risk is reduced at the 2-year point.
So for these two reasons the ‘cure’ process is a 24-month process. I do plan to be doing many things over that period but the fact is I will still be playing Game 4, thus the true victory party won’t be for a while. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have celebrations along the way, you know to celebrate goals and big hits, things like that. Incidentally me coming home will be something along the lines of a one-on-one between Mario Lemieux and Ray Bourque in the 91 playoffs, which turned into a breakaway as Lemieux turned him inside out, and finished with Mario stuffing it up with the peanut butter on then Bruin Goalie Andy Moog. (little flashback on my part) i.e. we will celebrate although I won’t be at full throttle, yet!!
Here is my experiment, which really isn’t much of an experiment, more me wanting to describe my situation in a different manner, of course as always your thoughts are welcomed and encouraged, whatever they may be.
First thing I miss, and one that I have made no secret about, work. Of course if you have a job that you don’t particularly like, or love for that matter, you will have trouble relating to this on a personal satisfaction level but you should still be able to relate on other levels. Let’s look at what I took from my job, and by took I mean what it provided me.
-Mental stimulation, this was a big biggest positive as I was challenged everyday and while many people are not as fortunate to have this type of environment to challenge them on a daily basis I believe that most people would thrive and enjoy it if the opportunity presented itself, or if they worked to present it to themselves. As you all know fighting Cancer doesn’t make your brain stop, but it changes it’s direction and yes I am comfortable with the direction my brain is thinking, but there is a sizeable chunk of me that would rather be in my original direction.
-Independence, OK I wasn’t quite there with the independence thing, but I had potential as I was building a business and at the time of my departure I had some pretty good potential on my plate and as always some big plans for the immediate future. Independence is potentially the most enjoyable experience I have ever “almost” known and to have it stolen was potentially one of the most devastating things I have known, if you have never had this happen to you I will try to explain as it is not something you can pretend. Please keep in mind that this has vastly different implications for those at different stages of the life-cycle, for example I am fortunate not to have any dependants or significant responsibilities, that would add stress and further complications to my situation. I cannot imagine being in my situation with a large business and family to run, in addition to the responsibility forced to relinquish your usual influence on such situations so close to you. Or for that matter the other perspective of being geared up for Grade 2 and all the things that accompany that experience, I am only speaking from my experience, as always. Please keep that in mind.
-Accomplishment, I have mentioned missing the feeling of accomplishment this is yet another thing that I took from my job and is related to independence and overall job satisfaction. I could go on but I will leave you with those three elements of work to consider, now for the experiment. Consider each of these elements separately and ask yourself how you would feel if you had them stolen.
Ask yourself the questions, how did this happen, why did this happen, and what’s going to happen, except your not asking them in relation to your job, your business, your work day troubles, your asking them in relation to your health, your life, and your future.
The feelings and thoughts you are experiencing are probably somewhere near what I feel each day at some time or another. I have similar thoughts in relation to many things that were in my life prior to November, I will provide more detail on these matters later as I have much more to say with respect to this exercise. Once again I have written this message in several phases and have been on a wild ride for the past two days, so I will return to this topic soon but for now try and get a feel for what I have said and ask questions if you feel the need. I will be writing again in a moment to give you the update from yesterdays clinic visit.
Take care,
Geoff
#4
