I have adopted this belief, it’s a very strong belief, centered right inside me and it tells me that everything in life happens for a reason. I really believe that every experience we have has reason and purpose behind it. And I know from personal experience that the reasons aren’t always easy to understand, sometimes they take great effort and lots of time. But I believe that the purpose is always there whether we are able to see it or not.
Today is Day 103 Post-Transplant for me, and it was on Day 103 Post-Transplant of my first Cancer Challenge that I began to face one of the most serious and significant Challenges of my life. On Sunday morning, July 25th, 1999, Day 103, I woke in my bed with the rygers, which are the pretty uncontrollable shakes. I woke up feeling sick, but not terrible, that quickly changed and within minutes I was on my way to the hospital at 3:30 a.m., where I would spend the next 41 days.
I went to the ER with a rising temp of 39 ish, and there I spent 5 hours in a kind of pain that I have been unable to describe since. Next to no pain killers came my way until 8:45 a.m. when I saw a Doc and begged him for some. I remember looking at the clock in my room and seeing the time, and that is about the last thing I remember until Monday, August 23rd, 1999. My temp hit 41 that morning and somewhere shortly after getting those pain killers my body prioritized it’s resources and decided that my memory was no longer necessary as that energy could be used else where. At least that’s what I believe.
I spent most of the next 5 days in the ICU loosing ground, sometimes slowly, sometimes not slowly. I went from needing low levels of oxygen, to an oxygen mask, to a pressurized oxygen mask, I was on lots of drugs and I ultimately went into what’s called septic shock as my body was unable to handle the Infection within. An infection that was found in the cuff of my Hickman Catheter. I had that first Hickman of mine pulled the day after I entered hospital, and that original infection lead to my septic shock, it lead to me being placed on life-support the following Friday, it lead to me spending over 3 weeks on life-support, it lead to me developing a condition referred to as ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome), it lead to my Docs figuring I had less than a 5% chance of ever leaving the ICU, it lead to one Doctor telling my family that “it could be any hour now”, it lead an Uncle of mine to say “Geoff got the gates of Heaven, had a look in, saw there was no hockey being played, so he turned around and came back”, it lead to the degeneration of my muscles which meant I had to learn to walk again and build myself back from the basement, and I mean I had to rebuild the foundation, that infection lead to me having a month of my life that I don’t remember with the exception of some pretty amazing dreams, it lead to me experiencing a new kind of fear as upon waking I was afraid to go to sleep again, as I wasn’t sure that I would necessarily wake up the next morning, and there wasn’t a whole lot anyone could do to convince me otherwise, that Hickman infection lead me down a path that was filled with Challenges I had only heard about.
As I lie here and write to you today I can tell you that it was a very important experience for me to have. I really feel that I probably wouldn’t have “gotten” it if something hadn’t stepped in my path and really challenged me to look at things in yet another light. I had learned great lessons from the first 9 months of my fight, because the first time out it was very much a fight. But I will tell you things changed in me after leaving the ICU. I believe all our experiences change us, but I mean fundamental change and I really feel that my ICU experience provided that for me.
Rebuilding yourself from the basement, as I refer to it, provides you with an opportunity to see things with a rare perspective and that perspective has sharply influenced who I am. Up to today I was feeling unsettled inside. It is no secret that I have been feeling really well, certainly far better than I expected at this point, and when I’m in a position as I am now and things are flowing well I often get cautious wondering where my next Challenge will come from. I’d like to believe that my next major Challenge will be one that I’ll tackle, by that I mean one I’ll personally select, and not one that will be presented to me. Time will tell.
Either way, I do believe strongly in the idea of growth, and I feel there are two main ways to grow, through experiences we choose and through experiences that are chosen for us. Both can have great rewards, but you may have to look for them. I spend a lot of time thinking through my experiences and why I have had them, my second Cancer Challenge gets me stuck sometimes when I think about why. Not sure why that is, but that is how I have felt for quite sometime. That time between acknowledging your Challenge and understanding it’s purpose that can be a Challenge in itself, and I’ve learned that having a little Faith during that time can really help you deal with what’s happening inside and out.
My exploration will definitely continue and for this moment I can tell you that I’m happy to be writing to you tonight and going to my own bed on Day 103.
Always…
Live Life. Love Life.
Geoff
