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Heather's blog: Opportunity for movement – part 1

The first post of a three-part series where Heather discusses the evolution of her cancer experience. Make sure to check out the rest of her entries!
By Heather Bonynge
This year there has been a shift. Something that has changed in my cancer journey. Within the course of my diagnosis, my treatments, my recovery, and the eventual task of learning how to navigate my life after cancer, there were stages of emotion and grief that I also had to learn to map out.

1. Diagnosis and disconnect

2008 Brynn's 1st Christmas - six days post dix

Heather and Brynn, six days post-diagnosis

The first few weeks after I was diagnosed with cancer, I experienced a combination of fear and complete disconnect. My diagnosis was six days before Christmas, and I was left in limbo for over a month before I could finally get booked in with an oncologist or have any further testing done. This indeterminate state is my worst place. This where–through any stage of my journey–my mind has had time to wander to the darkest places. I feared death, and I can honestly say I thought there was a very strong possibility I would die. At that point in my life, I had never met anyone who survived cancer.
At the same time though–in my head–I didn’t have cancer. When I would tell people about my diagnosis, I felt more like I was telling them about someone else with cancer. I didn’t have cancer. I was completely disconnected from my diagnosis. At the time of my biopsy, my doctor had said she didn’t see anything of concern, so cancer hadn’t been an outcome I had even considered to prepare myself for. Shortly afterwards when I started journaling, I wrote numerous times: “I AM NOT CANCER. CANCER DOES NOT DEFINE ME.” I put a wall between myself and my diagnosis, so I never had to deal with any of the emotions that came along with it.

2. Treatment and going to war

2008 Dec 31 First plane ride to South Africa - flight to SA 12 days post dx

Heather and Brynn on their way to South Africa 12 days after Heather’s diagnosis

This feeling of disconnect never really changed even once I started treatments. I put on my armour and went to war, in a manner of speaking. When I finally did get in to see my oncologist, our plan of action was to have surgery to remove the tumour that had now come out of hiding. The cancer was still in a very early stage, so I would have the surgery, the whole thing would be over with, and this would be a very short crossing in the course of my life.
I was called into my doctor’s office two weeks after my surgery. This is when they told me the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. I would now require 25 rounds of radiation therapy, five rounds of chemotherapy, another surgery, and I would never be able to have any more children. Even with all of this new information thrown at me, I was of the mindset that I would just do whatever I had to do, and my life would resume as it was before cancer.
 
Thank you for reading part 1; click here for part 2!

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