Heather’s blog: Right here, right now

December 9, 2014

By Heather Bonynge

IMG_0171Submitted photo

This year has been a year of growth and evolution for me. In 2014, I shared my personal story of the challenges and struggles I have faced with cancer and abuse. I have spoken aloud about these struggles to audiences, written about them in blogs, and re-wrote them hundreds of times in my head and on paper. I went into my role as a YACCtivist not knowing what to expect, or even what I wanted to get out of it. What I have gotten is clarity, direction, and renewal. My heart, my soul, and my spirit are recharged, and I am once again familiar with me, who I am, and what drives me. I got here through processing.

The new year represents another opportunity for new beginnings. We set resolutions for what we want to accomplish, do better or change in the year ahead. Since being diagnosed with cancer six years ago, I have been in pursuit of things I thought would bring me more happiness, resolving with each year to do more, get more, and be more. This year I am going to do it a bit differently. Instead of consuming myself in all of the things I can add to my life that I think would make it better, I am going to put my energy toward considering the things I can take away that are holding me back from moving on to the next phase of my life.

At Retreat Yourself Adventure in Newfoundland this past September, we did an exercise very similar to this. We each picked out four rocks of varying sizes and shapes, and each day we wrote on our rock something that was holding us back from accomplishing change, living our dreams, or moving on. As we progressed through the week, we got rid of our rocks as we felt ready, in whatever ceremonious manner we saw fit. We let go.

I got rid of a lot of baggage on that retreat, and I let go of a lot of things I had been carrying with me for a long time. It felt great to just have that release, to be in the moment, and to no longer chase after things I thought could make me happier.

The truth is, we can spend our entire lives chasing after the things we think will make our lives better. Would having all of these things make us happier? Maybe, and maybe not. I know for me, I can no longer live my life in pursuit of the “what ifs,” “what could bes,” and the “what never weres.” I can only live my life content in the “what is right now.” The truth is, when I stopped and really paid attention to where my journey had taken me — where I was right now — I realized I was a lot closer to happiness than I thought; I was already there.

There is nothing I can add to my life right now that would make me any happier. Sure, there are things that would be an added bonus. I have thought for a long time that having another baby would be one of them, but it would just be another blessing in a life so full of blessings already.

I plan to spend 2015 living my life just like that; being present, in the moment, living my life day to day, and setting smaller daily intentions to move me forward in creating the life I truly want to live. I am going to let go of the pursuit of all the things I think could make me happier, and be satisfied in knowing that the life I am living is exactly where I am supposed to be right now. Each day is what I make it of it, and I am going to spend all 365 of them this year truly living life on purpose.

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