When I don’t sleep I have great difficulty functioning anywhere near normal, and right now I’m in the middle of the third night without solid sleep. Not sure what’s going on with me, but I’m definitely not feeling right these past few days. I don’t have a grasp of what’s happening inside but these past few days I’m feeling out of sorts, which is not unusual when I’m not sleeping well. At the best of times my battery (energy) is limited and needs very careful monitoring, and that monitoring takes on a whole new level of importance when I don’t get properly charged (i.e. I sleep like crap).
I’m learning, once again, that as well as I may feel physically on any given day (little in the way of pains and muscle cramps) the reality is that my body has had a beating, and it has a long way to go on the recovery road. A long way. That is something I seem to say every day to someone, but many seem to accept it with hesitation as the reality is that if you look at me I don’t look sick. Outside of the fact that I’m down about 45 pounds and I still shave my head, so I look as if I’ve had chemotherapy, you probably would not know I was ever sick if you saw me on the street.
This is where that word “balance” comes into play so prominently, and it is one of my great challenges. As my physical health is rebuilding, my mental/emotional and spiritual health are both as strong as ever, and continuing to grow stronger. However certain core parts of my personality still present me with challenges, most notably my ambition and desire to make a positive impact. And largely due to my love of making an impact I have resumed a pace that I didn’t think I would be able to handle at this point after my second transplant. That pace was first made possible by the state of my physical health, which has been remarkably better than at the same point after my first transplant, and because of that fact I was then in a position to entertain that ambition to get back to “work” (I say work, because it is the professional side of my life, and it definitely brings with it mental and physical stress, but it is something that I love like I love play and leisure).
So I’ve resumed a schedule that many in my position would never be able to consider, and of course it is also a pace that many in my position would have absolutely no trouble with, every patient is different. And I am learning, again, that I need to slow down, and even as I write those words I get a bad feeling inside, as it is not something I want.
I love to have peace and quiet, to calm myself, but I also love a rapid pace that allows me to work on what I call my “personally selected challenges,” my goals. Short pause as I’m about to pull my thoughts together and take a very important step in handling this present moment challenge. I’m not sure I can fully explain just how much writing to you all helps me, but in the 15-20 minutes it has taken me to get to this point in my message I have wrapped my mind around where I am and have a good feel for my situation. Just writing that last paragraph about “slowing down” seemed to remind me of what seems like many messages I have written to you all about that need of mine, to slow down, keep my ambition in check, and also about the danger of being in constant motion, as I really feel those of us who are in constant motion are so to avoid dealing with things in life that need dealing.
Well it would appear that I’m doing exactly what I have written about making the effort to avoid. Personal awareness of my challenges, like my ambition, has always been a struggle for me, but it is another area that I feel I’m making great progress. Hopefully some more down time with my “not right” feeling will continue to give me a constructive perspective on what’s happening inside me. And I know it will allow me to centre myself once again, bring things back to a few core principles that I’ve been working on lately, and that always brings the calm comfortable feeling that I’m presently missing a little.
Before beginning to write this message this morning I read the message I wrote to you all on this date last year. It was exactly a year ago that I was up (not much later than I am now) to get a 6 am flight to Ottawa to begin what I called my “30 Day Drive” and have my second transplant. Recently I have had a couple of conversations with my mom about being in Ottawa and they have helped me acknowledge how really (really) sick I was when I was there. While I loved the hospital, the transplant program, and the medical team, it was a very challenging month on so many levels and a time when I was very, very sick. We’ve come a long way since then, one step at a time, slowly and surely. And I’m sure that’s exactly how I’ll continue to progress around, over and through the obstacles and challenges presented to me on the rest of my journey.
Back soon I’m sure.
Always…
Live Life. Love Life.
Geoff
