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Mini-Series

Mini-Series – Feb 3, 1999 5:00 p.m.

Here we are back at the computer for another installment of my thoughts. I have been thinking a lot lately, for a change, and now feel I have a pretty good couple of thoughts to share so I have decided to put them in a mini-series of messages. Lately I have been thinking about the focus, my focus, during games 1 and 2, specifically how different they are or have been. I want to talk about my focus, the things that were and are important to me and obviously I will share my thoughts and thought processes that were present during these times.

While game 2 is not over, today is Day 32 of the second game, I do have 2 experiences which I compare on a variety of levels, and they are the two games, Game 1 taking 38 days start to finish. As soon as hour 1 of the second game I found myself comparing or trying to remember how I was feeling during game 1 at that time. This practice continued, and is still continuing as my blood levels return. With regards to my levels it is almost like a race, as the days go by and my levels return. So far we are on track, but not really ahead, my hemoglobin = 108, platelets = 35, and Neutrophils = 1.2, I will explain how these compare to game 1 later. Back to my comparison. I began thinking about how I was feeling, then I started to think about my drugs, Doctor’s visits, infections, fevers, etc.

Potentially the biggest obstacle I had to tackle, and am still tackling, was that I had expectations set for myself, with regards to how I would feel, how I would react and how I would recover. As I stand here on Day 32 of Game 2 I realize that Game 1 was difficult but in many different ways than Game 2. And this difference is what I want to talk about.

First impressions of the two Games, I would say that Game 1 was a breeze in comparison to Game 2, but that really isn’t the case it was difficult for different reasons. Game 1 was the beginning of the series, it was an environment to feel out the competition, establish the rules by which future games would be played and most significantly it was the scene of strategy development. This is where I feel my strength lay, I was able to form a solid strategy that I describe as “aggressive, confident and controlling”. However as with any strategy, forming it is only one step, the implementation is just as, if not more, important than the development. My initial reaction was aggressive, confident and controlling, my thoughts automatically switched to those in my life and how I would inform them of my new opportunity/challenge. Of course the communicating of my new information was one of the first concerns and one that I handled early in the Game. I think there may be a part of me that pushed for the strategy I selected to act as a source of comfort for those who were concerned, worried, afraid, out of touch, or any number of other emotions/situations. But deep in my core I would have predicted my reaction, I have reacted and acted, two different and distinct behaviors, both as I would have predicted and as I would have wanted.

Little Family Story: My Grandfather Eaton, Cam Eaton fought in the Second World War, and differentiated himself by his courageous actions. I always thought his most courageous action was volunteering to go to war, he was #2 on the list of Newfoundland volunteers. I have often asked myself if I would have done the same in similar times, and the answer I gave to myself was yes. In some weird and strange way I feel like my reaction and actions since being diagnosed support my answer to the war question. Just a side thought I figured I’d share another little peak inside my brain.

Return to Game 1: Getting back to those in my life and how I delivered the news of my challenge. This was a point of success and failure, as I made every attempt to deliver my news to each individual in a way that would be best for them. Reflecting it appears that I had more failures here than successes, but I did make every attempt. Once the initial news was communicated I set out to finalize my strategy and inform everyone, it was here where this email group was formed. I made it a priority to let everyone know how I was doing and attempt to let them understand my strategy, understanding was difficult. I say understanding, but what I really mean is the process of “acknowledging, accepting and addressing” my situation. In November I wrote about how much I have learned about people, this was where most of that learning occurred. It was and still is amazing to see the world from my eyes, to experience the “reactions and actions” of people from all walks of life. The behavior lessons never stop, as I experience “reactions and actions” to all of my experiences, whether it be initial diagnosis, day passes, Remission, Snow Angels, I receive/experience such a variety of behaviors it still fascinates me. Don’t feel as if I’m grading you all on your behavior towards me, that is not the case (besides there are too many members here), but I definitely think and maybe even analyze the responses I receive whatever form they may come in. I know and understand that everyone who receives my email does so for a reason, there are many reasons why and whatever your reason I’m sure I’m fine with that, don’t feel you have to do anything other than “go with your gut”. These emails are a collection of my scattered thoughts, sometimes they make sense, sometimes not, just know that I have no expectations from any of you and I enjoy the experience of your collective “reactions and actions” to my thoughts.

Realizing I have probably lost most of you by now I’m going to cut my thoughts, I will continue with my original thought next time. I wrote this message in three parts so it may have been hard to follow, but I’m sure you have come to expect that by now.

More will follow, maybe later tonight.

Geoff
#4

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