One of the first commitments I made to myself 3 1/2 years ago when I was originally diagnosed was to learn from my experience, and I also decided to share what I learned, often as I was learning it. That hasn’t changed. I’m still learning, hopefully always will be, and I’m still sharing it as it happens much of the time.
We wrapped up the 2002 Coins for Cancer Drive last week, filled our big collector which you can see on the website, and then we began to tackle the challenge of rolling about 2,000 pounds of coin. It was always my plan to pull back from things once the Coins Drive ended, as I knew we would have some serious coins to count and I also figured the rest would be needed and important. So I planned very little activity for this week, after sleeping very poorly last week, I focused myself on recharging my battery. I didn’t make appointments for my days and I didn’t pay particular attention to any sense of accomplishment outside of the coins.
Here’s what I have learned and had confirmed.
When I don’t make lists and focus on tackling projects I’m as inefficient as one can be, I don’t get things done and it is not conducive to being the “productive Me”. Not saying that is a bad thing, just something I have realized this week.
However as the week progressed I did start to get my mind around a few projects, one of which I started last week and it involves me getting out to high schools across the province in May as I was originally supposed to do last November. The Principals of those schools were on my hit list today, and a function of organizing myself for that task I also managed to put some other things on my list, and that is where a major lesson was confirmed, as it was previously learned.
You remember me talking about my ambition, if not I will tell you I have some, probably more than most. When I graduated from university I wanted to “take over the world”, essentially I wanted to make my mark, which I don’t think is too uncommon at that stage of life. At that time I had no concept of balance, the idea of choosing between two great options was a little foreign as I would do both. However I will say that after my first Cancer Challenge things inside me changed, and my ambition, though still very high, made a very definite switch. My focus moved from making a difference in people’s businesses, and thus their lives, to making a difference in people’s lives. I jokingly say I am now focused on “profit for the soul” as opposed to “profit for the bank account” (not that I was ever that profitable before getting sick).
Trucking along as I was before getting sick again last summer I was making an impact, my efforts and energy were touching people in a Positive way, and that experience was exceptional. In fact in my 26 years it is one of the most special experiences I have ever had. And I have decided that I want to continue down that path.
The complications arrive as I have begun down that path in a more active way over the past month. Resuming some more of my RealTime Cancer duties has come with a mix of emotions, feelings, concerns and experiences. I love what I do, but I am questioning where I want to do it, how big does this thing get, how big do I want it to get, I am also questioning how I am doing it, and how much of it I can do, while staying healthy. I can see the potential of falling back into what I’ll call the RealTime Cancer Cycle, which would be me chasing the many opportunities that exist to make a Positive impact. It happened today as I was calling Principals, and when it does I become afraid.
Anyone who has had a serious Challenge and spent time away from work may relate to my feelings of wanting to get back and contribute. My concern is that I am wanting to get back to work more than ever… to make the most of whatever time I have left, to get busy crossing things off my “to do” list before it’s too late. And I can tell you that there is a real part of me that feels that way. I have been searching for comfort inside, for months now, and it is coming slowly, but as I get back in the world which I have not played in for a while I can sense myself coming dangerously close to jumping on the RTC Cycle. That is a Cycle I love to ride, but I am really wondering how much riding I want to do, how much is healthy for me to do?
I am spending time with those questions, and others I have, and I have recommitted myself to slowing down, not just until I’m physically stronger but for the long haul. I am making the effort to keep my ambition in check and balance my energy throughout my “to do” list, as I do have lists for work and play! I am feeling that just as my goals switched from making an impact on businesses, to making an impact on people after my first Cancer Challenge, my goals are once again undergoing another shift and I am feeling inside that I must make me the priority, I must first make the Positive impact on me, which specifically means my health, all of my health, mind, body and spirit. It has held high priority since getting sick in 1998 but I would be lying if I said it always stayed at the top.
I’m feeling, and only discovering this as I write, that my struggles in recent weeks and months are coming from finding a new balance, one where my desire to put health first can be coordinated and live happily with my ambitions and professional efforts. As I have said in the past I’m work-in-progress, and often times you see the progress here first hand. Thanks for listening, back soon.
Always…
Live Life. Love Life.
Geoff
