Going is easy, it may take energy and effort, but I am learning that it is easy. In my situation it is the easiest thing. Much easier than stopping.
Have you ever had a day when you didn’t stop, from the moment your feet hit the floor you were all go, no slow downs, you were in constant motion for the whole day? Probably working, but not necessarily. And then at the end of the day you arrive home, probably later than usual, and then when you are finally finished your duties for the day you hit the sheets, only to realize just how tired and beat you are. I pretty sure we’ve all had days like that, some of us have had years and lifetimes like that. That is how my life was for the 6 months before my Leukemia diagnosis in November 98.
I was in constant motion, working or playing, I didn’t stop, and I loved it. I love to be active, to be busy, to accomplish things, make things happen. What I wasn’t aware of is all the things I was making happen, I wasn’t aware of the things I was making happen inside, just very focused on the impact on the outside world. And I learned the hard way that living that way is tough, and a lot of times the body can’t handle it. Do I believe that my lifestyle was the cause of my Leukemia? No I don’t. Do I believe it contributed? Absolutely.
I am learning, each day, that my desire to be in constant motion, my love to activity and accomplishment is at least in part related to an unknown desire, unknown until recently, to avoid pain.
When I was younger and playing hockey a lot I was pretty good at playing through physical pain. One year I unknowingly played with a broken bone in my wrist for 3 months until finally going back to the hospital to have it rechecked. That is not the kind of pain I am learning about but experience is similar.
The pain I am avoiding is intangible, you can’t see the source of it on an x-ray or in a blood test, but it does come from inside. It is the pain that’s involved with facing fears, with dealing with my experiences and I’m am really good at neglecting that pain. The reason is largely because I was unaware of it, whether it was not allowing myself to feel it, or progressing through it without knowing it existed, or to what level it existed, in the past I was never aware of it. That is changing.
Throughout the past number of years I have made some really interesting discoveries about personality, through the help of a friend I have learned amazing things about myself, things that have been there for a long time, but again I wasn’t aware of. My ambition is one of those things, so is my Positive Attitude.
I have learned that there are a whole collection of behaviours that people adopt to avoid that awareness, to avoid the pain. Being a “workaholic” is one way, eating and drugs are other ways. There are many ways. One of my main ways was work, and then when I wasn’t working it was play. The Challenge is that when you are in constant motion it is often very difficult to feel the pain, and if you aren’t aware of it, and not feeling it, then it is next to impossible to deal with it. And I am a big fan of dealing, however I can’t deal with things that I am not aware of, there in lies my Challenge. I would suggest it’s different for everyone, but for me the big step is awareness of a Challenge. Many of us have had health Challenges, but until we are aware of them we can’t effectively begin to deal with them. This is much the same situation.
Another discovery I have made is that I am a “thinker”, which means I think my way through life more than I “feel” my way through. Of course I do a combination of both, but my thinking is more prominent and that allows me to remove negative or painful thoughts and experiences from my mind. However just because I’m not thinking about them doesn’t mean they go away, and that they don’t have an impact. This further complicates my awareness Challenge.
So after my years of having all green lights, no stopping, very little recharging, I am switching my priorities. This switch has been in the works for a number of years, and lately it is taking another big step. I have started to put the red light on, slow down, and stop, more importantly, do nothing, be here, fully here and breathe. I have been amazed at what happens when you do that. Something that sounds so simple, yet something that I never really did before.
It’s a process, and I haven’t found any quick fix, it will take time and effort, as it is quite a Challenge to do nothing, but you would be surprised how far you can go when you are stopped at a red light. I am learning that first hand, and it is some of the most valuable learning I have ever done.
Always…
Live Life. Love Life.
Geoff
