For the first time in about a year I tackled the Hill today. The Hill is Signal Hill, and by tackled I mean I did the full loop up the backside and 25 odd sets of stairs and then down the road, with a little stop to see a furry friend who lives there and brings so much joy to my life. (He’s a Samoyed who roams, not very far, but freely in front of his house, and he’s awesome)
I have been walking pretty solidly for over a month now and while I can’t notice a big difference in my strength and stamina, I did decide that I would try Signal Hill today. It is kind of a landmark in my conditioning as at one time I used to do that walk all the time, so today I felt I would see where I am in the physical rebuilding. Just a little comparison of how I would feel today compared with how I remember feeling in the past. So my old Signal Hill partner in crime and I laced ‘em up this morning to see where I am. I can say that I never used to have to stop, never used to have to sit and catch my breath, never used to take a stretch break at the half way point. All of those were very necessary today.
I say I am humbled by the Hill today, but I am definitely not discouraged. The reality is that I’m way down physically, the body is missing some serious strength and energy, and I know that the rebuilding process is going to take a lot of time and a lot of energy. And most definitely a little patience thrown in there as well, as I’m certain I will get frustrated from time to time. However I can say right now that I’m far more determined, and at the same time very content, than I am any bit frustrated.
I have been getting out a little more in the past number of weeks, seeing people I haven’t seen in a while and people who I haven’t seen ever but who have seen me on TV or somewhere, and I hear very often how good I look, healthy even. Which is really nice to hear, as the truth is I do feel that way too. But appearance of health, and real health are two different things.
I’m not sure you could really understand unless you have been physically Challenged like I have but loosing weight is one major Challenge, and then having your muscles deteriorate from infections, my infections of my ICU stay in 1999, that is quite another Challenge. This time last year I was feeling very well, but the reality was that I was still about 25 pounds less than before I was originally diagnosed and still nowhere near being able to play hockey or soccer as I used to. Now believe me, not all of those 25 pounds were needed back, but a large percentage was missing muscle. Muscle to do things that I definitely took for granted…. to play hockey and soccer, to water-ski, to hike Signal Hill whenever I wanted, to do all of those things in one day if I chose.
At one time I was very focused on getting back to my old level of physical conditioning, and I would still love to get there. But there is a part of me that wonders if it’s going to happen as there are many influencing factors. I have reduced lung capacity, which is not surprising I’ve been told given my Transplant and ICU history, I have a dropped foot, left one, which is less responsive than my right, and is numb from my knee down through my foot (a longer-term side-affect of ICU), and at present I’m taking steroids that are less than performance enhancing. There are many obstacles, but such is life. I will continue my work of rebuilding, and enjoy the process of having the Hill humble me as it did this morning.
To help you understand a little, in the past number of years I have connected with Transplant Patients who had similar and different diseases than mine, who had Transplants near the same time as my first, which was over 3 years ago, and to this day they aren’t back to work. They are still Challenged with the side-affects of Transplant and Graft vs. Host Disease, for so many Transplant Patients climbing Signal Hill 8 months after Transplant is so far from the realm of possibility it is a dream, just as it was for me after my first Transplant. Just imagine leaving work or school today and not returning for 6 months, 1 year, 3 or 4 years. Really imagine. Not thinking it can happen or not thinking about the possibility is perfectly normal, it’s certainly what I thought prior to November 6th, 1998.
The Hill was beautiful this morning, blue sky, lots of rock, amazing water… I am blessed to be here and in a position to be humbled by the Hill.
Have a fantastic weekend.
Always…
Live Life. Love Life.
Geoff
