I think about how much I talk about the past in these emails, as sometimes I feel like my “flashbacks” are too frequent. And this morning I have come across the realization that a significant percentage of my flashbacks are probably done for my own therapy. I have written to many of you about the “win-win” of this email group, as I get to share my lessons learned and my experiences, you get to learn about this Patient’s perspective, and that was my original intent right from the beginning. However the other bonus that I didn’t understand right off, was that it is amazing therapy for me to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with so many people. And it is therapy, you all represent my support group, my therapist, my coaches, and the friend who is always there to listen to my ramblings. I can’t over-state the importance of that role, and I can’t imagine my Challenges without you present.
This last week of July is always a wild one for me, as it was 3 years ago at this time when I had my first Hickman infection, an infection that “kicked my ass”, big-time. It was this week 3 years ago that I started my downward spiral in the Intensive Care Unit and was placed on life-support and in a drug induced coma. I stayed in that coma for about 3 1/2 weeks, had a major collection of other complications and as one of my uncle’s said – “I got to the gates of Heaven, saw there was no hockey being played, and turned around and came back” -. I had Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS), and my Docs gave me less than a 2% chance of ever coming out of ICU. Outside of the first 5 hours I spent in the ER on July 25th, 1999 I have no memory of the month, and very sketchy memory of my first few months awake. To say my mind, mind-set, body, and perception of the world were rocked is an under-statement. After waking I started from the ground up, I had to dig the whole in the ground to rebuild the foundation, it was a really wild time in my life and I know most of what I know from stories of those around me, as my mind and memory were wacky.
So here we are, it’s another July and I’m still here! Who would have thought… I’ll tell you who, and this is just one story that I know of, and I’m sure there are many others, but I really love this one. When I was sick, and I mean really sick, when my family was called to the hospital because “it could be any hour now” as the Docs said, there was one buddy of mine who absolutely refused to believe I would die, and more to the point he wouldn’t allow anyone around him to talk about the possibility as he was certain it wouldn’t happen. When the whole world seemed to be working against me, and all the medical signs that we have learned were pointing toward me moving on, he resisted, stubborn bastard. His Mom, who’s a Nurse, tried to explain to him just how sick I was and that a little reality might not be a bad thing, but he wouldn’t hear it. When I woke and he came to see me, in my very “simple state” as I call it, with a mind that was very slow and unsure of what had happened, he told me “you have an ‘S’ on your chest”. It wasn’t until months later that I understood what he meant.
I am blessed, as we all are. It’s just that I feel as if I’m blessed with an extra special potion.
Ironically it was 2 years ago, during my first ICU anniversary, when I got to experience some of what my family and friends experienced as a good Patient buddy of mine was in a very very similar situation as I had once been. It was in August of 2000 when he was in ICU, in a coma, and like me, he wasn’t expected to ever come out of there. I remember like it was yesterday going in to see him, and hearing those damn alarms. They are one thing that was burned into my subconscious, and hearing them was one of the toughest parts of going back to the ICU. I talked with that same buddy, via email, yesterday, and he’s having the summer of his life back home in Labrador. Another one who’s been hit with that extra special potion.
A short while ago I got an email from a lady who connected with the RealTime Cancer website, who had also been connected to me throughout my original Challenge, as her Mom had similar treatment as I a few months delayed. Her Mom was in Toronto for a Transplant and when she came home she got very sick and was placed in the same ICU bed that I had occupied a month earlier. Unfortunately that lady was unable to work through ARDS and her pneumonia, and she passed away.
When you spend time in circles like I do you get to meet a whole lot of people who are facing big-time health Challenges, some get back to a healthy state, others don’t. What influences whether one does and one doesn’t, I don’t know. Why I’m still here, I don’t know all the reasons, I feel I have figured some of them out, but not all of them. Just imagine if we could figure out the exact combination of events that kept me here, just imagine if we figured out that it was nothing we did at all.
That time in my life continues to be such a fascination for me, and I would guess it may always be, and as long as that’s the case I’m guessing I’ll continue to throw these flashbacks your way. I’m sure you can count on seeing another couple in the coming month. It’s so fantastic to be here, thanks for being there. We are all blessed and I’m not going to let you forget it.
Always…
Live Life. Love Life.
Geoff
