Just a very little while ago, lying here at 5:04 a.m. writing a message to you, “on a school night”, would have me at least a little frustrated, as it most always meant that I couldn’t sleep. While sleep is the issue again tonight, the frustration is not as much of an issue.
My wake-up call came at 2:32 a.m. this morning, and unlike my traditional response, lately I’ve been making a great effort to stay in bed, lie here, relax and really give it a good effort to get back to sleep. So that’s what I’ve been doing for the past 2 hours, but eventually I do loose patience with my mind and now I have decided that lying in bed isn’t cutting it anymore. I say loose patience with my mind, as I’m quite certain that is the cause of my sleeplessness, tonight and most every night I have trouble winding down.
This time 4 years ago, before I was originally diagnosed, lying at my computer in bed at 5 in the morning was also a very common occurrence, and it was also very directly related to my active mind. However one thing has changed, and it is a very significant change. I didn’t think there was anything out of the ordinary about working all night, I wasn’t aware of the affects of sleepless nights, as active as my mind would be at times, it was equally as active in the pursuit of pushing away my fatigue, I was very good at pushing on through, ignoring the many signs that I was given, the signs that were saying “slow down”.
The sleepless nights of my past 2-3 years, not all of them but most, come with many of the same signs I now recognize from my past, and the message is the same… “slow down”. And it is a message that I have such a struggle with, it’s almost a “devilish” combination if you combine extended periods of what I’ll call down time – related to my treatments and recovery – and you mix that with my sky high ambition. Obviously, it’s a Challenge I am still working through, one step at a time.
So here’s the Positive side, cause you know I would find one. My mind is active, especially when I’m in a busy period as I have been in the past number of weeks. I will begin to launch the 2002 RealTime Cancer Challenge next week, and continue with school presentations for the following 3-4 weeks. It seems that for the most part I’ve been very good at managing my schedule and keeping my presentation demands within my limits, not too many in too short a time frame. However, my focus on the schedule seems to have resulted in me neglecting some of the details that need to be handled before I launch the program. Thus there are details that need to be handled prior to launching, and adding to the mix is the fact that we are preparing to grow as an organization, and the Challenge school program is growing exponentially this year – from 3 schools to at least 15 across the province.
That may sound like major stuff, and on many levels it is major stuff, but I do also believe it’s very manageable, and doable without too many sleepless nights! However, when I let myself loose a grip on the organization of details things snow ball very quickly. And this is where we come to the Positive side… I think I’ve learned that I need to make the effort every day to be balanced. Up to this point I’ve accepted that at some level, but I think now I’ve realized that effort is required every day to… make sure I start my day the way I like – with yoga after a sound sleep -, have a carefully planned day – not too much running around or activity -, definitely have a proper wind down before bed – this is an area that needs serious work -, and absolutely get enough sleep. All things I knew before tonight, but I’m not sure I put it together, that this has to be a routine for me every day, at least it has to be that way if I want to increase the probability that I’ll be able to function at a comfortable level each day.
While the disorganized nature of my past few weeks has definitely added activity in my head, I can say with great confidence that as I prepare to head back to the schools, where I’ll spend buckets of my time over the next 6-7 months, it is very normal for me to have sleepless nights directly related to my excitement and love of what I do. I can very easily get caught up in the wheel of excitement that gets created when I hit the schools, and while I love that excitement it does have the tendency to lead me off balance.
And these sleepless nights have a great ability to get me back to centre, refocus on what’s really important, and continue to adjust my strategy to dealing with the Challenges that come my way every day. Life is pretty amazing when you see your Challenges as teachers. It’s amazing what happens when you look for the lessons in life, as opposed to fighting with your life. I really believe that when life happens to us in ways we want, we call it an opportunity, but when it happens in ways we don’t want, we call it a disaster, a trauma or a Challenge. Truth is they’re all opportunities, sometimes it just takes a little effort to see them that way.
Always…
Live Life. Love Life.
Geoff
