Collaborative blog submitted by YACCtivists Sarah Bell, Heather Brown, Nicole Clark, and Lindsay Lorraine
Receiving a cancer diagnosis as a young adult is tough and life-changing. Receiving a diagnosis as a young parent adds a whole new layer of complexity to a cancer experience.
Imagine sitting in the doctor’s office, learning that you have cancer. Then, you have to navigate how you feel about the diagnosis. Then, you have to explain and comfort your children about your new diagnosis. You now need to walk a line between cancer patient and parent, and both parts of you are demanding so much. Neither one can be ignored. It is hard, it’s exhausting, but you don’t stop being a parent after your diagnosis.
Heather recalls learning of her diagnosis by phone while at work. The news was terrifying to receive; she had expected that the biopsy would be negative. She was so upset that she had her dad and stepmom pick her up from work, she couldn’t drive home.
Heather searched for the right words to tell her partner and her children, and says there weren’t really “right” words. No matter how she said the words, “Mom has cancer,” there would be fear and heaviness.
Her children were six and seven-and-a-half years old at the time. Cancer was not new to them, a couple of loved ones had been through chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation. In the end, the conversation with the kids was that Heather had cancer, but she was going to be okay. She would need surgery and medicine but that would help her deal with the cancer that she had.
Heather remembers her son asking so innocently, “Is cancer contagious?” and he felt relief when she replied, “No, cancer doesn’t work that way.” Heather was open to answering their questions which also helped relieve some of their fears.
It also adds another layer of care and support from your caregivers as they support you — as the patient — and your children. That is a big load to carry as a supporter and caregiver.
Some of our YACCtivists are parents; we want to share our experiences with parenting and cancer. Nicole, Sarah, and Lindsay asked their significant others/partners about their experiences as both a parent and partner acting as a caregiver to a cancer patient.
Conversation 1
What was/is the hardest experience in watching your wife go through cancer?
Daily blood draws because you hated them so much, they could never find a vein, and they would happen at 5 a.m.
What roles did you take on during/after your partner’s diagnosis?
A lot of the cooking and cleaning and day-to-day household management. I had done some of these before your diagnosis, but took over primary childcare and household management during treatment and recovery.
How did you discuss cancer with your family/children?
In talking to our son, I try to use age-appropriate concepts to explain cancer. I am open to answering his questions, but we don’t overly discuss it often.
Did you feel supported by friends and family during your partner’s treatment? How could you have been more supported?
Yes, direct support from family included moving in with us to help with childcare. We moved during treatment to be closer to a larger cancer centre and lots of family came to lend a hand.
What did you find helped you as a caregiver through the diagnosis and treatment?
The biggest help for me was Tim Horton’s being available in the hospital lobby. Also, lots of visits from different friends and family during the diagnosis and treatment phases. This helped keep my mind occupied and engaged and gave us both something to look forward to. It also offered extra care for our infant son to supplement the support we were getting.
Conversation 2
What was/is the hardest experience in watching your wife go through cancer?
Just watching her have to go through it, and feeling so helpless.
What roles did you take on during/after your partner’s diagnosis?
Being a supportive husband and father as best as I could. Staying home to be home and be a full-time caregiver for a few months.
How did you discuss cancer with your family/children?
Our daughter was a newborn the first time, and the second time she was a year and a half, so she didn’t know what she was happening. We were open and to the point with family.
Did you feel supported by friends and family during your partner’s treatment? How could you have been more supported?
I sure did feel supported. We were very fortunate to have so much support from our families, friends, and people we worked with. They helped us emotionally and financially. I couldn’t have felt more supported actually.
What did you find helped you as a caregiver through the diagnosis and treatment?
What helped me as a caregiver was seeing that the chemo/treatments were working!
Conversation 3
What was/is the hardest experience in watching your wife go through cancer?
The feeling of helplessness when she was being treated by doctors. I am a person that likes to fix everything, stepping aside while also trying to learn and question everything was a difficult spot. With having very young children, it was very hard to make the choice of spending every day with my wife over being the primary caregiver of our children.
What roles did you take on during/after your partner’s diagnosis?
I took on the “overly positive” role, attempting to find the good in all the situations.
How did you discuss cancer with your family/children?
Our children were very young, they wouldn’t have understood what cancer was other than Mom was sick. We have a book called Cancer Hates Kisses by Jessica Reid Sliwerski that has helped break the ice when talking about the fact that Mom has had cancer. More than three years later, they associate the book with pictures of Mom when she didn’t have any hair.
Did you feel supported by friends and family during your partner’s treatment? How could you have been more supported?
I felt very supported by certain members of the family, more specifically the ones that helped looked after our children while we were preoccupied with treatment. Friends were very supportive, some raised money to help us with bills, and others were just there to talk when I needed it. More support would have been good in the form of in-person visits. The days and nights were very long, I would have appreciated more distractions.
What did you find helped you as a caregiver through the diagnosis and treatment?
My wife forcing me to talk about my feelings and get things off of my chest.
These conversations with our partners highlight and remind us that caregivers who are also parenting through cancer need support for themselves and for the children they are supporting. They need information, resources, respite, and so much more.
Photo credit: Sarah Bell
